Week 6 Bible Study: If we want our relationships to change, it starts with us.

The discussion this week was: godly relationships.

I feel like it was a tougher topic to discuss-- especially for me. I felt a lot of conviction during the studies. Conviction where I had to stop reading... and come back later.

Being a godly spouse is an area I struggle with-- pushing my pride and stubbornness aside. It isn't easy for me. I get defensive. I get a little arrogant.  I get judgmental.

And I'm sure it breaks God's heart because after an argument-- after my human nature rears it's ugly head--- it breaks my heart too.

Bible Verses

Here are some Bible verses we discussed this week concerning this topic:

1 Corinthians 7:1-16

Now to the topics you raised in your last letter. Some have said, “It is better for a man to abstain from having sex with his wife.” Well, I disagree. Because of our tendency to embrace immoralities, each man should feel free to join together in sexual intimacy with his own wife, and each woman should join with her own husband. Husbands and wives have reciprocal duties. Each husband has the responsibility to meet his wife’s sexual desires, and each wife should do the same for her husband. In marriage neither the husband nor the wife should act as if his or her body is private property—your bodies now belong to one another, and together they are whole. So do not withhold sex from one another, unless both of you have agreed to devote a certain period of time to prayer. When the agreed time is over, come together again so that Satan will not tempt you when you are short on self-control. I am trying to encourage you and give you some wise counsel, so don’t take this advice as a command. I wish that all of you could live as I do, unmarried. But the truth is all people are different, each gifted by God in various and dissimilar ways. To those who are unmarried or widowed, here’s my advice: it is a good thing to stay single as I do. If they do not have self-control, they should go ahead and get married. It is much better to marry than to be obsessed by sexual urges.

To those who are married, here’s my command (to be clear, this isn’t merely my opinion; it comes from the teaching of the Lord Jesus): it is not right for a wife to leave her husband. If she does, she must either remain single or reconcile with her husband, but she should not marry someone else. Likewise, the husband should not divorce his wife.

To everyone else, here’s my counsel (this is not a direct command from the Lord; it is my opinion): if a brother has a wife who does not believe Jesus’ teachings and the truth of His resurrection, he is to stay with her as long as she is willing to live with him. The same is true for any sister; you should not leave your husband even if he has no allegiance to Jesus. Here’s the reason: An unbelieving husband is consecrated by that union—touched by the grace of God through his believing wife—and the same is true when the husband is a man of faith and he’s wed to an unbelieving wife. His wife is consecrated through their union. If this weren’t so, your children wouldn’t be pure; but as it is when faith enters in, God sets apart these children to be used uniquely for His purposes. If the unbelieving spouse decides the marriage is over, then let him or her go; the believing partner is freed from the marital vows because God has called you to peace. Remember that anything is possible, so the life you lead and the love you show under this strain may be what finally liberates your partner.

---- During these verses, we discussed intimacy and how it is not healthy for us to withhold sex from our husbands (and it is not healthy for our husbands to withhold sex from us either.) We have reciprocal duties. Sexual urges can be strong. It is unhealthy to leave our husbands (and husbands it is unhealthy to leave your wives) burning with those sexual urges. We must take care of them in the home.

---- We also talked about being 'unequally yoked' in marriage with a husband that does not believe or does not share the same faith. Paul writes that the husband is sanctified through our marriage. We must stay strong in Jesus Christ, be an example to Him, follow the Word of God, and pray consistently for our relationships. God doesn't want us to leave our husbands just because He doesn't believe as we do-- He wants us to believe stronger... pray harder.. and be the best example we can be for our husband.

Ephesians 5:22-25: Wives, it should be no different with your husbands. Submit to them as you do to the Lord,  for God has given husbands a sacred duty to lead as the Anointed leads the church and serves as the head. (The church is His body; He is her Savior.) So wives should submit to their husbands, respectfully, in all things, just as the church yields to the Anointed One. Husbands, you must love your wives so deeply, purely, and sacrificially that we can understand it only when we compare it to the love the Anointed One has for His bride, the church. We know He gave Himself up completely to make her His own, washing her clean of all her impurity with water and the powerful presence of His word.

--- After these verses, we talked about submission. We will get into a little more of our discussion after the Bible verses. But we talked a lot about how submission is respect from both sides. God does not only call wives to submission, but in these same verses he instructs husbands to love their wives deeply, purely, and sacrificially. Submission, love, and respect should come from both sides of the relationship.

Titus 2:3-5: And here’s what I want you to teach the older women: Be respectful. Steer clear of gossip or drinking too much so that you can teach what is good to young women. Be a positive example, showing them what it is to love their husbands and children, and teaching them to control themselves in every way and to be pure. Train them to manage the household, to be kind, and to be submissive to their husbands, all of which honor the word of God.

---- In Titus chapter 2, Paul writes about the characteristics what a godly woman looks like... how she acts.. what she values. 

She is respectful and lives in a way that pleases the Lord.
She steers clear of gossip and saying bad things about others.
She doesn't drink excessively.
She is a teacher of good things.
She is a positive example.
She teaches others how to love their husbands.
She teaches others how to love their children.
She controls herself in every way.
She is wise.
She is pure.
She is a great keeper at home.
She is good.
She is kind.
She is obedient to her husband.

All of these honor the Word of God.

I know these may all seem attainable, but I believe God is wanting us to STRIVE to be better people-- not PERFECT people.

--- Proverbs 31:10- Who can find a truly excellent woman? One who is superior in all that she is and all that she does? Her worth far exceeds that of rubies and expensive jewelry.

If you want to read about a woman striving to be a better spouse and a better mother, this is the chapter to read. We recommend reading it in various versions because you'll get the entire meaning behind the verses. An excellent woman is worth more than rubies and jewelry. Think about your worth ladies.

---- 1 Peter 3:1-2: " In the same way, wives, you should patiently accept the authority of your husbands. This is so that even if they don’t obey God’s word, as they observe your pure respectful behavior, they may be persuaded without a word by the way you live."

We talked about how we don't need to lecture our husbands-- our lifestyles should speak more than our words. Nagging.. lecturing.. it can cause a wall to be built between us and our spouses. It isn't healthy. God is asking us to live a life of pure, respectful behavior------ this way our husbands can be persuaded just by how we live. How we live means-- how we act when things are at peace in our home and how we act during an argument. What are we reflecting to our husbands?

---- Colossians 3:18-19: "Wives: be submitted to your husbands as is appropriate in the Lord. Husbands: love your wives, and don’t treat them harshly or respond with bitterness toward them."

These words always go hand in hand. Wives- submit to your husbands. Husbands-- love your wives and remove the bitterness (if you have any towards them.)

We discussed how bitterness in a relationship is a threat-- a threat to everything you could be. Pray for forgiveness if you need it. Pray for a release from bitterness if you need it. Don't let it suffocate your marriage. 

Submission.

We also talked about what submission IS and what submission ISN'T.

According to an article entitled, Six Things Submission Is Not, we read:

1. Submission is not agreeing on everything. 

2. Submission does not mean that you leave your brain at the altar.
3. Submission does not mean that you  do not try and influence your husband.

4. Submission is not putting the will of your husband before the will of Christ.

5. Submission does not mean we get all of our spiritual strength through our husbands.

6. Submission does not mean acting or living in fear of our husbands.

To read more about each of these categories, click the link above! Great information here.

We then discussed what submission IS.

We read an article entitled, Submitting to Your Husband: The Basics. She wrote 'to me, submission means:'

1. respecting my husband's desire to lead our family
2. and allowing my husband to do so.
3. Sometimes asking permission for things that normally I would do without a second thought

4. Praying for him when he struggles to lead our family

5. and praying for myself when I am struggling to let him lead

6. Acting in modesty in every day life

7. thinking of his needs before my own

8. making the choice to make intimacy a priority

9. Seeking unity with him over individuality

10. not criticizing him/speaking badly about him to others

11. encouraging him and uplifting him

Ashly shared a great quote as well. It said, "The closer we move toward God, the closer we move toward each other." 

Another quote shared was, "If you want a relationship that looks and feels like the most amazing thing on earth, you need to treat it like the most amazing thing on earth."

We then talked about what happens if we have husbands that are not stepping up to be a spiritual leader (in our opinion) in our homes. There was a great article we read entitled, "How to Respond When Your Husband is Not a Spiritual Leader."  It is a great read! Here is a little bit of the information we discussed:

1. Get rid of your image of a spiritual leader. 

-- He doesn't have to sit at the dinner table every night reading a devotional. People all relate to God in different ways. One person wants to read the Bible 45 minutes a day, but others need a walk in the woods to meditate with Jesus Christ. Some help others as their form of 'worship.' Not everyone is a sit down and pray kind of person and that's okay.

2. Men thrive on appreciation.

--- Can you appreciate what your husband does do and praise him for that? What would happen if we stopped being so bitter towards our husbands for not all the things we expect a spiritual leader to do and start seeing what he does do?

3. Be responsible for yourself.

---- If you're husband isn't interested in joining a bible study and growing more in his faith (at least that's how you see it).... that doesn't mean you shouldn't. A spiritual leader means he sets the tone for the family and that ultimately he is responsible before God for the spiritual condition of his family. It doesn't mean if you've memorized more verses than he has, your family is out of God's design.

4. Be responsible for your children.

--- Teaching about Jesus is not strictly a dad's role. We do a disservice to our children when we sit back and get frustrated he isn't taking on that role! What if your husband is showing your children what it means to be loyal, faithful, and a hard worker? But we are so focused on the fact he isn't reading them Bible stories that we miss it.

5. Pray for him.

--- Chase God for yourself and seek Him with all your heart. And maybe for a second, stop praying that God will make your husband more of a spiritual leader and just pray that God will bless your husband. Let go of the ideal of what we think his relationship with God should look like--- you may find your marriage gets a lot easier!

After this, Ashly ended our bible study by reading 20 little things we can do to make a difference in our marriage that she found on Pinterest.

1. greet him warmly

2. offer a kind word

3. give thanks

4. speak the truth

5. look at the bright side

6. shrug off small annoyances (this is a tough spot for me! need to hear it!)

7. snuggle together

8. serve cheerfully

9. pray for each other

10. listen carefully

11. apologize humbly

12. kiss on the lips

13. laugh at his jokes

14. give a soft answer

15. step away together

16. smile at him

17. forgive fully

18. spend time together

19. build him up

20. decide you are going to love each other

We discussed that bottom line------- our relationships are not going to change, they will not get better, they will not see the fulfillment of Christ if we are not working at it. Marriage and relationships take work. It takes a positive mindset. It takes us thinking about it thoroughly and completely. It takes hard work and dedication.

If we want our marriages to change.... it all starts with us. Our attitudes, our words, our actions.

God bless you all!